The very thought of you and her together is something that makes my stomach churn and my eyes water.
Knowing that right now she's in you're arms while you sleep breaks my heart a thousand times over. 
I hate that I still love you.
I really really do. 
I wish someone could fix it for me,
but unless it's something huge I don't think 
anyone can get passed these feelings that
just don't seem to want to go away. 

P.S. Every time you tell me how much you love her, and how wonderful she is, I feel like a part of me dies..and instead of crying I that little part breaks off and is blown off into the void that you've created. 

Writer's Block: How could you?
Would you ever take someone back after they cheated on you, and why? What could change your mind?

Honestly, it's really easy to say you wouldn't. Because I believed I wouldn't my entire life. But then when it happened to me, the exact opposite came to be. I took him back that day, because after over a year invested in the relationship, i felt the incident to be not as important because he came to me right away, and told me everything. I didn't have to find out through the grapevine, he just outright told me EVERYTHING that happened. 

I wouldn't take someone back however if it was a repeated offense, or there was like an affair going on. :\

I hate this cough.


I feel like I shouldn't use this unless I have something angsty to post. :\

Fuck You.
Why cant you see that the things you do and say make me feel like I'm nothing? Why must it be so god damned difficult to tell you how I feel? Every time you make a 'joke' about other girls I know you know it bothers me, I feel like you just get some sick pleasure out of seeing me squirm and finally just breaking. We used to have so much fun all the time, but now its like I'm only important when you're hungry or horny. And I hate not being able to talk to you but whenever I voice how I feel, you just call me a bitch or tell me I'm over reacting. So fucking what if I'm over reacting? Welcome to a relationship you're my boyfriend, you're supposed to make me feel better regardless of what it is I'm doing or saying because you're supposed to love me regardless not just shrug me off till you decide I've had enough of you ignoring me. I don't get how it can make me feel so incredibly low whenever you get upset with me but if I'm upset with you it doesn't even phase you at all. I never used to be this way, I never would let a boy make me feel like less of a person because of the things he thought I needed to change about myself. I never would even think of changing things about me that I know deep down would always remain, just be silenced. But here I am trying so hard to get upset less, and not be jealous but guess what?! When you're mean to me, and you know when you are, regardless of "jokes" it really fucking upsets me like, to the point where I just want to curl up into a little ball and stay there. This is fucking why I don't open up and let people in, because I get hurt. I trust you with everything I am, and now I'm nothing but a joke. I hate it. And NEWS FLASH I will always be jealous, you know why? Cause I'm human and we get jealous, just because you've made yourself incapable of feeling what normal people do doesn't mean I'm the fucked up one.

And please, don't say you're sorry.
Because I'm a little bit passed apologies.

Life is a Dream
If life was a dream and things weren't what they seemed.
Would you push your limits and break your boundaries?
Would you sail into the sky?
Or fly into the sea?
To show the world just how free you could be.
Or would you remain on the ground,
marching to the mind numbing sound
of conformity.


Life is boring when you sleep all day,
and are awake all night.
Especially when you have friends who never
want to be awake as late as you.

Hello Internet,
I haven't really used this in a long while.
I've not really felt the need to either.

But since I'm going to read the entire collection of
poetry written by my newest bffl I guess I should
just keep you all up to date.

And for the luls.
I'm feeling artistic.

Those eyes they stare right through me.
Peering in at my soul opening doors I thought had no keys.
Those hands that caress my skin.
Make me glad that I let you in.

Just Something to Get Off my Chest
So this morning was kind of one of those mornings you already feel like things are not going to go good as soon as you open your eyes.

I was woken up my my sister asking for me, but see the one she was asking was wearing nothing but underpants cause he decided to sleep in those whenever he is over which I could honestly care less about, but knowing my sister she is going to thing we fucked or something and its going to be an annoying hassle to rectify the situation. I TOLD him if he was going to sleep like that he wasn't supposed to get caught by anyone in my family and he opens my door and talks to my sister half naked. GOOD JOB! and then not to mention my noticing his non stop texting habit that has grown in intensity as of late. I don't like hearing the little click click clicks of the keys on his phone while im trying to sleep, and more likely than not its probably S. whom I don't really care he talks to, or J. which it infuriates me he talks to only cause of the flirty ass things I catch him saying to her every now and again. And I know I have no real reasons to be insecure about that but I am and it bothers me oh so much. AND AND the fact he swears he doesn't try to mess around with me a lot last night, and this morning he does it kinda made me laugh to myself.. cause he is in like denial about the amounts of times I've been woken up by things of that nature and it also bothers me, because of the fact I tell him not to do it and he does.

urg k sorry im not a fucking horn-ball and wanting to be pleasured all the god damn time but I'm not going to change so if you don't like it then tough shit hombre.


I'm kinda pissed off. I don't think im going to ask him to come over again today, I wanna be alone for a while.


Today's the day for some verbal retribution.
I haven't blogged on here in a while, but I figure what better time than now. I have nothing better to do while I wait for my beloved to leave the shower. ^____^ Here's an update on my life thus far in 2009.

January: Second semester of school, chilling with the three funniest guys all the time, it was a great month, aside from losing one of my favorite people to nothing.

February: The best month thus far this year, this month I began to date the best thing since sliced bread. Like fo reals. I love him more than words could say, and probably even more so than that. Just seeing his face in the morning when I wake up brightens the rest of the day. Its nice. :D

March: I got two puppies, that has been the highlight of this month, Axel and Charlie are two beautiful six week old Pittbull Chow puppies and I love them. :3 ALSO, It was my baby's birthday, I love how happy he seems when he is with me. I love that I can make him happy. :3 He deserves it.

The "What If?"
The “What If?”
By: Nicole Marie

What if spring became the winter, instead of the winter into spring?

What if a bird woke up one morning and had forgotten how to sing?

What if your dreams became reality and reality your dreams?

What if everything you thought was real was nothing that it seems?

What if the day consisted of moonbeams, and the night of endless sunshine?

What if you’d given your all to someone, and it was a waste of time?

What if love is all a lie and the truth resides in hate?

What if accepting what is now, is too hard for you to take?

What if those you thought cared for you, were all a bunch of fakes?

What if letting them into your heart was all a big mistake?

The world is full of “what if?”
We all wonder where the answers might lead.
But that’s the nature of the “what if?”
The answers we never see.

The twisted insides of the abyssal dark
Pull at the misguided thoughts that keep the beat in my mangled heart.
So many things Id like to say, fear of rejection keeps me away.
I wish you'd come to me.
Open the cage that keeps my mind from being free.
I want to share my world with you.
I want my dreams to be true.
But in reality dreams are not meant for living.
And as the world keeps spinning.
I've nothing to say.
At the end of each and every day.
My silence does not pay.
Come what may.
I live for today, and think not of what happened yesterday.


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